I painted flowers. One, two, then five, fruits, dots. Just for fun, to see colours on my sketchbook and because I wanted to create a new header for my newsletter. It took me 20 minutes then my anxiety realised what I was doing ( yes I’m trying to trick my brain ) and I couldn’t breathe anymore.
The next day, other flowers and small characters, flipped through my old drawings thinking « wow that’s beautiful but unfinished ». I ordered more watercolours, settle in my new workspace and dreamed again about seeing my illustrations in many homes, bringing comfort and joy into people's lives. Anxiety kept watching but remained silent.
I think I’m back. I learned something: it’s not always Go big or go home.
I tried, I could but I don’t want to anymore. My drawings are linked to my emotions, my mental health, and my mind: I’m drawing my feelings and my feelings are always based on a mix of loneliness, boredom and melancholy. Then, on top of that, you can add things like joy, excitement or fear! I’m a pizza full of different toppings! But I need to work with that not against it.
Many tutorials and workshops explain that as an artist, we need to find our voice, our style, whatever you want to call it! It’s like something that we need to find somewhere, outside, a hidden gem required to succeed in our quest of being an artist.
Now I know that there’s nothing magical, that grace is just your hand, your experiences, your fears and hopes, all the toppings of your pizza. That’s why even if you order one in 10 different places, you’ll have 10 different tastes: the same recipe but made by 10 different people, from different backgrounds etc… it doesn’t mean that one is better than the other, it’s just different ways to do things. Your way is the right way.
The way we do things is connected to who we are, and how we feel, it’s complex and fragile.
What is the point of finding your voice if you don’t listen to it? Why go big if what you need if go home & take some rest?
I wanted to go big, you know the “ This is my year !” vibes but I’ve changed my plans: I want to paint for myself, for my pleasure, nothing to sell, nothing to prove, just drawing to express my feelings. I also want to go back to photography and try to learn how to create some videos, I might try ceramics too and lino print: things I wanted to do but couldn’t because I was too busy “finding my style, my recognisable voice” aka marketing myself. I’ve no idea where I’m going but the simple idea of creating things, beautiful or gross, is making me so happy! This is big enough!
I’ll conclude this chaotic newsletter (I’m sorry, actually I’m spontaneously writing in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep ) with this simple thing: If you wait until you have enough skills, knowledge, time, more confidence, more followers, the “right” tools… you’ll never move forward. If you think that the only way to go is to go “ big or go home” even if you’ve got no energy, you’ll never move forward. There will be highs and lows, you’ll need rest, patience, discipline, chocolate or beers sometimes! Step back but don’t lose faith! Nothing will ever happen if you stay still but it doesn’t mean that just a tiny movement is not enough.
Let’s paint a petal if a flower is too much ❤️
Beautifully said: “Let’s paint a petal if a flower is too much.” 🙏🙏❤️
As a writer, this is why I write lots of haiku. It is short, poetic, and other than a few basics not so many rules. No rights or wrongs of any significance. It is something I can finish on days when tackling a short story or the next chapter of a book feels like too much.
So beautifully put. I needed this reminder today.